Disclaimer: The following article is a work of satire. All events and conversations are purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only.
WASHINGTON — It’s been just a few months since the close of the 2022 midterm election cycle, and members of the country’s youngest generation all agree: Voting is the easiest thing they’ve ever done. Running on the momentum of historic youth turnout in 2020, Gen Z headed to the polls in droves this past November in hopes of making their voices heard once more, and they were so successful that it has led many politicians, Democrats included, to publicly announce the end of voter suppression.
“We’ve made tremendous progress since the anti-democratic Republican attacks on the right to vote were enacted after the 2020 election,” said Congresswoman Terri Sewell, D-Ala., onetime lead sponsor of the John Lewis Voting Rights Act. “I think it’s about time we declared the war on the franchise officially over … we didn’t even have to pass any voting rights legislation!” Her sentiments were affirmed by Senator Jeff Merkley, D-Ore., sponsor of the failed 2021 For the People Act, which sought to codify federal election protections and reduce barriers to voting for communities of color and young people. “The fight was anticlimactic but at least it’s over,” he retorted in an interview with the HPR. “This year’s election stats on youth voter turnout are clear about one thing: Voter suppression has been effectively defeated.”
Republicans sounded their agreement, breathing a collective sigh of relief that Democrats had “finally come to their senses,” in the words of presumptive House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif. “If voter suppression was at play this last election, there’s no way I would’ve lost,” said former Congressman Steve Chabot, R-Ohio, who failed to gain re-election in November, losing to Democrat Greg Landsman. Rep. Chabot was one of many Republicans to vote against the certification of the 2020 election. Herschel Walker, unsuccessful candidate for Georgia Senator who recently lost in a runoff against incumbent Raphael Warnick, agreed, expressing his concerns in an interview with the HPR. “I was hoping some of that glorious voter suppression would come to my support and keep those meddlesome kids at home, but unfortunately,” he sighed before continuing, “just like my claims to oppose abortion, be a cop, and support the Black community, it turned out to not be real.”
As assiduous journalists dedicated to the truth, though — you know, “Democracy dies in darkness,” and all that jazz — we weren’t quite so sure. To corroborate politicians’ statements about the demise of voter suppression, especially among youth, we decided to talk to young people ourselves. Over the course of two weeks, we spoke with voters in high school, college, and in the early years of their career from around the country, conducting some 30 million interviews. For context, the 18-24 year olds account for 30,234,867 people in the United States, making our interview campaign nearly entirely comprehensive. We’ve included the testimonials of three young people below so that you can decide for yourself whether the right to the youth vote is still under attack. After, voter suppression is in the eye of the beholder.
Jessica, 23, Atlanta, GA — “You know, I wasn’t eligible to vote in the last election since my name was one of the 250,000 that had been purged from the voter rolls in 2018, and I forgot to re-register in time for 2020. But I signed up months in advance for this election, since the deadline to register was two months before November, and casting my first ballot has made me realize just how many opportunities we get to vote in our state. We’ve even been having extra elections because we’re so democratic: Secretary of State Raffensperger announced last week that we’ve been having runoffs so often that we might as well make it an annual holiday. Every December from now on will be State Runoff Day, and we’ll all commemorate the occasion by amassing in six hour lines outside of our local polling locations with no snacks or drink, since people can’t bring those to us anymore without being charged for bribery given the 2021 voting bill our state legislature passed. Kudos to them for championing election security! I mean, it’s obviously highly plausible that political operatives would attempt to buy votes at the polls in exchange for Chick-Fil-A nuggets and diet lemonade. That stuff is addictive.”
Victor, 18, Houston, TX — “I’ve always been a fan of scenic drives, and ever since our great state’s 2021 election reform law cut the number of polling locations in half, I’ve gotten the chance to go on many an eight hour drive to the polls. My new election location is on the other side of Texas, and there’s nothing like watching tumbleweeds roll through the desert on your cross-state drive to the voting booth. My mom said I should’ve just submitted my ballot by mail, but I figured that would be a little too easy, nevermind that 2,400 mail-in ballots got thrown out last during our March primaries. Or was it 24,000? It might have been 24,000. Anyway, once I got to my polling site this past November, I nearly got kicked out because I was blasting ‘F— Donald Trump’ on a loud speaker when I drove into the parking lot, and apparently you’re not allowed to ‘operate a sound amplification device … for or against a candidate’ with the new voting law. Quickly switched it to Bryson Gray’s ‘Let’s Go Brandon,’ though, and they were fine with that. Go figure!”
Stella, 21, Honolulu, HI — “Voting absentee has got to be my favorite activity of all time! As a student at the University of Florida registered to vote in Alaska, I couldn’t be further from home, but Governor DeSantis has gone out of his way to make it such a smooth experience. There’s nothing better for gaining foresight and time management skills than trying to vote by mail in Florida! I love having to load $5 extra Gator Bucks to my student account so that I can print my absentee ballot application and then Uber to the nearest FedEx to buy stamps, then mail it and wait for the app to make its way to the Arctic and back. I usually scribble in the ballot once it arrives, and then my friends and I love to make the search for a ballot drop box location into a fun little game: One shot at every campus building that doesn’t have a mail-in ballot site. Needless to say, we’re totally plastered by the time we find the nearest box and can barely walk home, but I always manage to practice my civic duty. Might have to be more careful next election, though: Rumor has it that Ben Sasse is coming to serve as UF President and I wouldn’t want to run into him while trying to vote drunk. Guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
So the jury’s clearly no longer out: Young people think voter suppression has been solved! No need to worry; long lines, longer polling location drives, and even longer absentee mailing processes are just icing on the cake of American democracy.
