Obama Bribed Voters With "Binders Full Of Contraceptives"

During a call with top campaign donors last Wednesday, Almost-President Mitt Romney accused Actual-President Barack Obama of bribing key voter groups with “extraordinary financial gifts from the government” to win their votes. Mitt said that Obama’s promise to forgive college loans was a “big gift” to young people and that “free contraceptives were very big with young college-aged women.” He then added, “I worked hard to make women think I cared about them. I had entire binders full of women. But my opponent had binders full of contraceptives. And he gave them to my women and then my women voted for him.”
Mitt’s running mate, Paul Ryan, supported his ex’s position. “Just because Barack is president doesn’t mean he should be able to help people. It’s not fair.”
These remarks followed many Republican leaders expressing support for a more inclusive party. Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell said that the party needs to do a better job of “expressing why conservative values are good for people of all races, creeds, colors, and national origin. We need to show the nation that the Republican Party is no longer limited to misogynists, closeted racists, and Todd Akin.” He then apologized for the redundancy.
Even President Obama responded to Governor Romney’s remarks. In a somewhat controversial statement, Barack replied, “Damn straight.” He then chuckled and proceeded to chant “four more years” to a silent room of reporters.