Please note: This piece contains discussion of sexual harassment and assault.
Why does the Me Too movement strike fear into the hearts of so many of my male classmates?
It is confusing, truly. After all, if you do not assault or harass women in the workplace, it seems profoundly unlikely that you will be accused of assaulting or harassing women in the workplace — especially multiple women, especially multiple women with credible dated documentation of their experiences.
And yet, on more than one occasion, this fear has been explained to me. A career — a soaring one, surely, full of power and money and… women? — ruined by the words of some female subordinate. She lied, probably, envious, certainly, of his power and his money and his… other women?
If you hear hoofbeats, don’t assume it’s a zebra. In my experiences as a woman interacting with many powerful-men-to-be, the horse in the room is this: such men assume that women want to be hit on and touched, platonically and/or sexually, by them. Spoiler alert: mostly, we do not, and even if we do, the workplace is not the place.
It is not just Donald Trump with “Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.” It is, most recently, Andrew Cuomo, who considers kissing and hugging his “usual and customary way of greeting.” “I didn’t know she didn’t want it” was an excuse for rape, and now it serves as an excuse for gender-based sexual harassment.
I spent a summer in DC on a political theory fellowship (read: summer camp for college kids interested in politics). During an otherwise normal conversation about a text we had read for class, one of my male classmates touched me on the shoulder. He didn’t touch me briefly, in the sort of backslapping way male contemporaries touch each other — he placed his hand on my shoulder and held me in place, moving his hand to my back in a sort of caress.
I stopped mid-sentence, made eye contact with him, and said:
“Don’t touch me.”
He recoiled immediately, apologized profusely. “I’m so glad you spoke up,” he said. There was something mildly demeaning about the way he fell over himself, like I was fragile for being uncomfortable, and he was protecting me with his apologies. He did not seem embarrassed for overstepping physical boundaries as he should have been. In fact, his response made me feel, in a conflicted way, embarrassed, like I was too snappy or had overreacted.
My goal with this anecdote is not to suggest that it is the responsibility of women to speak up in the moment. I felt able to, in this case, because this man was not a superior but a contemporary and because I thought I had nothing to lose by alienating him. Had he been a boss, or a professor, or an individual with some ability to influence my career in any way, I might have said nothing. And I do not blame any woman — when women generally fail to advance into senior leadership roles in most industries (especially, it goes without saying, politics) — for being unwilling to jeopardize her opportunities for the sake of her comfort.
Rather, my goal is to point to what seems to be an obvious problem. Social norms around the way women should be treated are changing, finally, and men who are accustomed to being admired have somehow yet to realize.
After an incredibly successful youth and consistent ego bolstering from the media, we can hardly expect better from Andrew Cuomo. He was director of his father’s successful 1982 gubernatorial campaign at just 24, then executive director of his father’s transition team, then his father’s policy advisor. Four years later, he became campaign chairman for his father’s reelection run. Just after the 1982 victory, an interview with The New York Times began: “Everyone is after Andrew.” As he put his feet up on the desk and lit a cigarette, 24-year-old Cuomo is quoted as saying: “I’ve become very popular lately.” Cuomo tried to distance himself from what he called “the son thing,” but it was and continues to be relevant: now, he is the center of a family with power both in media and in politics — even after the Kennedy-Cuomo divorce.
When you are young and attractive and powerful, and women, according to the Times, show up at your office begging for interviews, it is hard to imagine that anyone would ever tell you no. That, in part, explains his less-than-stellar reactions to the accusations.
“What I also understand is, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter my intent. What it matters is if anybody was offended by it,” Cuomo said in his response to the sexual harassment accusations. In emphasizing the women’s subjective offense, Cuomo refuses to acknowledge that he was out of line. In other words, it is their reaction which necessitates the apology rather than the behavior itself. For how could Andrew — from Mario’s darling to, thanks to his brother, COVID media darling — commit an objective wrong?
In fact, as noted, kissing and hugging are his “usual and customary way of greeting,” and no surprise, “it was my father’s way of greeting people … you’re the governor of the state, you want people to feel comfortable.” With this defense, not only does Cuomo reveal he expects that access to the bodies of others is granted to him at all times, but he also reinforces that his political pedigree justifies his behavior. And, most entertainingly, Cuomo suggests his behavior makes others feel “comfortable” when it clearly achieves the opposite.
How, then, can such a man make others feel comfortable? Cuomo might start by treating his male and female colleagues in the same way. I can’t imagine, after all, that he asks many young men to play strip poker with him. Then, he might consider if behaviors which he practices with male colleagues, such as greeting with a kiss, are appropriate with female colleagues — if not, chances are they are actually inappropriate for everyone. Finally, he must realize it is inappropriate to bring up sex with any subordinate — whether comparing conquests through “locker room talk” or not-so-subtly propositioning employees.
Cuomo is hardly alone in the Democratic party, no matter how aggressively it ostracizes him now that he’s fallen out of favor. “The problem with Cuomo is no one has ever liked him,” said a former Democratic lieutenant governor on Saturday. “I have not met a person yet in New York politics who has a good relationship with Andrew Cuomo,” echoed Democratic Senator Biaggi. Now President Biden, known for being a bit too touchy with women himself, has stated that Cuomo should resign if the investigation confirms the sexual assault allegations.
Considering that the first accusation came in December, but media coverage did not explode until March, it seems fair to ask: would Cuomo Me Too have blown up without the nursing home scandal first threatening his reputation? And what should be made of Biden’s insistence that Cuomo be proven guilty before he resigns despite the existing well-documented claims of at least six women? The burdens placed on the victims in these cases, from disbelief to disregard to attempted smearing, are not just unfair. They demonstrate that real change cannot come just from bottom-up solutions.
We like to pretend that harassing women is a Donald Trump problem, a Fox News problem, a Republican problem. It is not, with Anthony Weiner, David Wu, and Eric Massa among the several former Democratic representatives accused of sexual harassment or assault. Sexual harassment is a power problem, and it has two top-down solutions. First, elevate women to positions of power. The more women with influence, the more sexual misconduct will be monitored and addressed from within the walls of the establishments in which it pervades. Second, inform men, from the time they are boys, that their general sense of entitlement cannot extend to women. “No” makes more sense when you have heard it before.
If you have experienced sexual assault and wish to report the incident or make use of Harvard’s support resources, please see the information below:
- Office of Sexual Assault Prevention & Response (Confidential and open to all members of the Harvard community) 24-hour hotline: 617-495-9100. To make an appointment: 617-496-5636 or osapr@harvard.edu.
- Harvard College Title IV Office: 617-496-3336.
- Counseling and Mental Health Services (Confidential and open to all members of the Harvard community): 617-495-2042
- Boston Area Rape Crisis Center: 24-hour hotline: 800-841-8371.
- National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline (Confidential and open to all): 800-656-4673.
Image Credit: “Governor Andrew Cuomo” by Diana Robinson is licensed for use under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
