MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin toady invited numerous international leaders to visit the Russian State Historical Museum.
Speaking from the steps of the recently refurbished institution, Mr. Putin said, “I have of late taken a keen interest in geography and I would like extend an invitation to Mr. Poroshenko in particular to examine the geopolitico-cartographical quality of this map of Central Europe.”
The map in question measured 60 feet wide and was entitled “Corrected Map of Russia and Some Other Areas of Notice and Significant Importance.” Notably, the region normally identified as Ukraine was renamed “Western Novorossiya” and colored red, the same color as Russia.
The map was an imaginative one and embellished with what seemed to be several rampant bears, drawn in the style of medieval sea monsters. Quite what they were doing in Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Georgia, Poland, Hungary and Turkey was not immediately apparent.
When pressed for comment by yours truly, Mr. Putin explained “The Majesty and Greatness of Russian Power… bozhe moi! Not Power… how do you say? … of Russian bears is a majesty to behold, and I’m working on an export program to share the majesty of Russian bears. I think a show of Russian air—ah, I mean, bear force in a demonstrative Russian bear-force show I am planning should be sufficient to convince these leaders of accepting my generous gift of Russian greatness. I do not understand why Mr. Poroshenko will not accept my plans. He hasn’t answered any of my calls. I am very upset.”
At this point an aide intervened and Putin abruptly cut off the interview. He was whisked away muttering about the pathetic weakness of turkeys, an animal noticeably absent from the map.
As the press conference drew to a close, workmen carrying brushes and tins of red paint arrived to complete some last-minute changes.
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