Humor | February 22, 2017 at 8:33 pm

President Trump’s First Speech to Congress

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White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced earlier this week that President Donald Trump is scheduled to address a joint session of Congress next Wednesday. The HPR has acquired an advanced copy of his speech.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Pence, and Members of Congress:

I am here tonight to report that the state of the union is tremendous. In fact, many people are saying that it’s one of the greatest states that the union has ever been in. And believe me, I know a lot about the union. Presidents don’t usually give State of the Union addresses in their second month in office, but Speaker Paul Ryan—great guy, great guy, although he treated me very unfairly during the campaign—invited me to speak to this joint session of Congress. Probably because he wants to hear about all the ways I’m making America great again.

Now that I’m the president I have so many advisers—really smart people, all of them. Especially Putin. They help me develop new policies and they wanted to help write this speech for me. I have so much respect for them, but I decided to do this on my own because I’m, you know, a smart person. I assure you, there’s no problem with my intelligence. I have a great brain and went to Wharton, so I think I can handle preparing for a little speech.

The media has been very unfair to me during this last month or so, but it hasn’t stopped me from working to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Look at all that I’ve accomplished. To begin, I’ve been working very hard. In the roughly five weeks that I’ve been President, I’ve sent out over 200 tweets and have watched over 100 hours of cable news. That reminds me, I want to give a shout out to Sean Hannity, who has been fighting the good fight against fake news. I have so many friends at Fox News, which has been so good to me—well, except Megyn Kelly, who is highly overrated and a lightweight! No wonder she left.

Anyway, back to making America great again. I prevented the United States from joining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, which is a horrible trade deal negotiated by Obama, who was so weak. Let me tell you, I’m going to make great deals for the American people while I’m president. I also signed an executive order that will improve national security and allow us to build a wall on the Mexican border. The wall is going to be done under budget and ahead of schedule, and it will be beautiful—almost as beautiful as Ivanka. I am also working with Congress to begin to repeal the Unaffordable Care Act, which will be replaced with something incredible, trust me.

I’ve had the huge honor of nominating Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court to fill the seat that the late, great, Justice Scalia held. I have such great respect for Judge Gorsuch, who is so good with the Constitution. Let me tell you, all the Second Amendment folks out there will be very happy with Judge Gorsuch. He’s going to restore respect for the Constitution bigly, which by the way I have read. I don’t read much, but the Constitution is right up there with the Bible and The Art of the Deal, so I had to take a look at it.

While the state of the union is tremendous, so is the state of my golf game. Every weekend I’ve been down to the winter White House, Mar-a-Lago, which by the way is the most gorgeous private club in the country. Two weekends ago I played a few—well really 18—holes of golf with Rory McIlroy, who is a great person and friend of mine. He’s from Ireland, but let me tell you, if he were American he would have voted for Donald Trump. He’s a fantastic golfer, some would say one of the best, but I still managed to come pretty close to beating him. The game was probably rigged.

I only have a few minutes left, because Tucker Carlson is about to begin his show on Fox. But how could I report on the state of the union without just saying what an incredible victory we had in this tough campaign. The media treated me so unfairly, especially the failing New York Times and CNN, which is fake news, but I still won. We had one of the biggest electoral college victories in history, and would have won the popular vote if millions of people hadn’t voted illegally. No one thought I’d win, but I still beat Hillary Clinton, who is such a nasty woman.

I’m going to continue to work hard every day as your president. The media will continue to lie and report their alternative facts, but I assure you I’m doing a tremendous job in the White House. Believe me, I will be working with Congress in these next several weeks to continue to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Good night, and God bless America.

Disclaimer: This piece was written entirely by the author and was not actually acquired from White House staff.

Image source: Wikimedia/Gage Skidmore

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