Posted in: Humor

Mitty Cent

By | October 14, 2012

I’d like to draw your attention to a subset of voters whose influence on political figures is too often overlooked. This subset, of course, is famous rappers. I would like to present an argument that most[1. Probably not most. Maybe one.] of the actions of politicians are inspired, if not directly caused by, the lyrics of some of rap’s biggest stars. Let me begin with an example.

Mitt Romney has learned from Fifty Cent that the American public doesn’t respond to subtlety.

Let’s first look at 50’s song Patiently Waiting, which Governor Romney has said he listens to frequently.[2. He has not said this. Yet.] A verse begins:

“You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house,

and if you got a glass jaw, you should watch your mouth.”

At this point the song pauses, and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, that threat was quite the clever play on words. 50 Cent is a master of subtlety.” Fitty continues:

“...Cause I’ll break yo face.”

At this point, you reconsider. The illusion of subtlety has been completely broken, much like yo face. However, as the album sold over 8 million copies, it may be that 50 was onto something. And one evening, after listening to President Obama tell innovators that “they didn’t build that,” immediately followed by Fitty’s  “Get Rich or Die Tryin,” Mitt had an idea.[3. And a new campaign slogan: “Get Prez or Die Tryin.”]

This idea culminated in a rally. At the rally, Mr. Romney began with a subtle jab at the President as he introduced the company’s founder as “someone that did build that.” His subtlety faded when all the employees put on T-shirts that read “Government Didn’t Build My Business – I Did.” All subtlety was lost when two forklifts raised a banner reading “We Did Build It,” the political equivalent of Mitt breaking President Obama’s face. This behavior, as well as Romney’s unexpected request to be referred to as “Mitty Cent,”  conclusively demonstrate the effect of 50 Cent on Mitt’s presidential campaign. Unfortunately, one example, however perfectly fitting and beautifully written, cannot prove my point. But as two can, let’s examine another.

President Obama’s debate performance was inspired by Tupac. 

Tupac, despite being dead for 15 years, made headlines in April for his appearance at the Coachella music festival. He joined Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg in hologram form, greeting the crowd with a “what up, Coachella!” and performing two songs before disappearing in a flash of white light.

How did this impact the President? The reason for President Obama’s subpar debate performance, which was described as “surprising lackluster” by the Associated Press, was due to the fact that Obama was actually kicking it in the Oval Office, sipping wine with his best girl, while hologram Obama (holObama) handled the debate. Let’s look at the facts. Wednesday night was Barack’s 20th anniversary with a wonderful woman. He wasn’t going to spend it talking about politics with a middle aged white guy. This also explains his odd entrance, in which he greeted Governor Romney with a “Sup Snoop?”

Unfortunately Digital Domains, the company behind both the Tupac and Obama holograms, recently filed for bankruptcy. According to a source close to the President, this has caused Obama to decide to attend the next debate in person.[4. Although he does have tickets to the Yankees game.]

Our source also revealed that the first debate’s low ratings inspired the campaigns to agree to a less traditional form of debate, a rap battle. When questioned, President Obama had this to say:

“Mitt don’t give a S!*#t about 47 percent,

He ain’t got the rocks to be the president, 

He and Paul Ryan need to quit with their lying, 

or I’ll send  in Joe Biden and they’ll be Romney and C-C-CRyin’,

Cause Biden’s smilin’, smirkin’ and snarky,

When we call out with our balls out: Motha f&*!#er, that’s MALARKEY!”


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