Humor | September 30, 2016 at 1:21 am

Drew Faust Announces New Cuts

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mem-hall-2Speaking from the candle-lit steps of Massachusetts Hall at 11:40 last night, Harvard University President Drew Giplin Faust announced a radical new plan to salvage the $2bn loss in the university’s endowment.

“We are going to implement regular campus-wide power cuts until the economic outlook improves” Faust said. “There have been some complaints from students in MCB 60, but they just need to study earlier, after all, our ancestors had nothing but the sun and they seemed to do just fine.”

Faust also confirmed that other cost cutting measures were being considered. “Everything is still on the table, the elimination of hot food for example would also save on HUDS salaries, and cutting the Winter Coat Fund for disadvantaged students could save us thousands every year.”

At the end of her statement, Faust reflected on the positives of the power cut. “This new policy has also brought the university new opportunities. I strongly encourage any soon-to-be laid-off HUDS workers to apply for the new openings in Harvard’s torchbearer department. Union members need not apply.”

 

Image Source: Tim Sackton/Flickr

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